Fallin' In Love: An MS fic parody
by The Sarcastic Typo
Summary: A beautiful, wonderful, amazing, lovely, gifted, funny, intelligent, witty, just plain AWESOME new female surgeon arrives at the 4077th! What will happen? Oh, the suspense! The drama! The romance!
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is a PARODY. Meaning, not for real. My name is not Jade and I apologize to all the nice folks out there named Jade who would never ever write something as ridiculous as this. XD Also, the reviews are fake, erm, obviously. (Well, not so obviously, I guess, since I've seen reviews like that before.)_

Fallin' In Love  
By: Jade

**Chapter One: The New Surgeon**

"We're getting a new surgeon, today." Colonel Potter explained to his unit. "Don't scare her too badly, all right people?"

"What's her name, Colonel?" Hawkeye asked.

"Jade Allanna Raven Crystal. Jade Crystal for short." Colonel Potter replied. "She's from France."

_What an exotic name_, Hawkeye thought.

Just then, a young woman about the age of 26 walked into the office. She was five foot ten with striking raven colored hair and beautifully tanned skin. Her unusually violet eyes sparkled mischievously. You could tell by looking at her that she was witty, funny, intelligent, and a wonderful surgeon. All the men in the room stopped what they were doing and stared at her with rapt attention. Even Margaret was in awe.

"Hello, do I have the right place?" the woman smiled shyly, showing everyone how demure and innocent she was. "I'm Jade, the new surgeon."

"_You're_ the new... uh, surgeon?" Hawkeye stuttered because her beauty was so over-whelming she rendered him nearly speechless.

"Um...Yes. I am," Jade Crystal added, tripping clumsily over the carpet when she walked over towards Hawkeye. It made everyone in the room aww and coo and comment on how cute she was. Because clearly she couldn't be a klutz; she was far too beautiful! Beautiful as a rose, its blood red petals wet with dew and nectar, that was. Did I mention she had really awesome violet eyes?

"Wel - welcome to the 4077th MASH Unit!" said Charles, in a half gasp. He couldn't believe his eyes - she was his long lost cousin's nephew's uncle's sister's daughter's niece!

"Charles? Is that you?" She shrieked delightedly, her voice a melody. "It's been so long since I've seen you!"

Everyone was smiling happily and cheering as Charles hugged Jade. "Get the champagne!" someone yelled.

Luckily, BJ had been walking by the boardroom at that moment and had heard the request for champagne, which he had with him having just gotten it from his wife through the mail. "Who needs champagne? What are we celebrating?" he asked, walking in. Colonel Potter grabbed the champagne glasses that were in a cabinet in the office. They kept these things there for special occasions, such as this.

"Charles has found his long lost relative!" Hawkeye cheered excitedly. Everyone cheered with him and they toasted the happy reconciliation.

At that moment, Sidney happened to walk in. "Jade?" he said. She was his wife, by the way. And had they 2130921831290 kids. Never mind that he was divorced and only had one kid. She was so heavenly, he desired her all the time.

"Sidney, darling!" Jade smiled and kissed him deeply. All the men (and even Margaret) groaned at the news that she was taken.

Suddenly, from nowhere, lovely music started playing and the happy couple danced showing everyone how in love they were.

The rest of the day was spent celebrating Jade and her loveliness.

**End of Chapter One**

A/N: Read n review but plz b kind, thi5 iz mah 1st fic, n i h0p3 u lYkEd it1!1!one! i wont updtE iF i doNt g3t at laest 5 rveiws!

Reviews for Chapter One:

_**From OMGSIDNEY1: **"AWWWWW, THAT WAS SOOOOOOO SWEET I LIKE IT SO FAR PLZ CONTINUE!" _

_**From sweetgurl90: **"dat waz relly gud. r u sur dats ur 1st fnafic? kep up da gr8 wrk!" _

_**From thebestwriterever:** "WOW! I'm Impressed! That Was Pretty Good For Your First Try! Keep It Up!" _

_**From asaneperson:** "Ugh. First of all, Sidney only has one kid. Second, Jade is so obviously a self-insertion it's laughable. Third, your author's notes are so illegible I can barely read them. You need a lot of work." _

_**From apersonwhoflames: **"OMG dont listen 2 asaneperson theyre just jelous dat u rite s0o0o0o0o0o good n they dont! I liek this sotry keep writing!" _

_**From somerandommoron:** I bet asaneperson is gay n likes that nasty slash crap! Dont listen to them! This rox!" _


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: On to Chapter two! _

Fallin' In Love  
By: Jade

**Chapter Two: Problems**

It had been a month since Jade had arrived at the 4077th and already she had proved that she was not only the best surgeon everyone had ever met - even better than Hawkeye, of course - she was kind, humourous, witty, and very intelligent. Everyone was in love with her. Even Father Mulcahy, who was a priest and had vows.

This was very straining on her and Sidney's marriage because he couldn't be there all of the time and he got very jealous, with good reason. She was beginning to become very attracted to Hawkeye and BJ - at the same time, of course, someone as amazing as her shouldn't be forced to choose like a mere mortal. Hawkeye had been enamored with her since the moment he'd laid eyes on her and BJ also liked her, having nearly completely forgotten about his wife.

"Jade, I think I'm in love with you!" BJ cried one day, at random. He was so torn apart because he loved his wife and yet Jade was also just wonderfully perfect. It was a very angsty internal debate.

"Oh, BJ, I think I love you too, but we're both married." Jade responded, sadly. A few more minutes of arguing soon led to passionate, heated love-making in the Supply Tent.

Afterwards, Jade felt very upset, both for cheating on Sidney and encouraging BJ to cheat on Peg, so she went for a long walk, even though it was a warzone, she was careful and knew exactly where not to step. As she was coming back, she ran into Hawkeye.

"What's wrong, Jade?" he asked, concerned.

"I've done a horrible thing!" She sobbed, falling into his arms. He comforted her.

"What did you do? I'm sure it wasn't horrible! You can do no wrong!"

"Really?" She sniffed, perking up a little.

"Of course! You're beautiful, intelligent, lovely, hilarious, and just fun to be around. Everyone loves you and you're a fantastic surgeon. What could you have possibly done wrong?"

"I slept with BJ."

"Oh, I'm sure that wasn't your fault at all! You were just acting on attraction, everyone does it, you know."

"Thank you, Hawkeye, you're so helpful." She kissed him, and it, of course, led to more.

The next day, Jade knocked on Father Mulcahy's doorstep. She wasn't Catholic, but she still felt the need to confess because she was just a good person like that.

"Oh, Jade, how can I help you?" Father Mulcahy asked, letting her in.

"I have sinned so badly, Father, can I talk to you?"

"Of course, my child, but I don't know how you could possibly think you have done any wrong."

"But I have, Father, it's tearing me up inside!"

"What is it, dear?" She explained everything that happened so far. "Oh my. Well, surely you see that's not your fault at all! It anyone is at fault it is Hawkeye and BJ for luring you to them."

"Thank you, Father, but there's one more thing."

"Yes?"

"I'm pregnant. And I don't know who the father is!"

End of Chapter Two

A/N: Thnx 4 all da rveiws u guyz left me! LOLZ, dey were gr8t, xcept 4 dat 1 from asaneperson n i hav 2 say geeeeez! no need 2 flam3 me n be rud3! god!1one!

Reviews for Chapter Two:

_**From hahalykewoah: **o man dis fic is soooo awsome! great job, kepe up da good wrk!_

_**From OMGSIDNEY1: **OMG WHAT SHE'S PREGNANT! WHOS THE FATHER! AHHH THAT CLIFFIE WAS EEEEEVIIL! UPDATE SOON!_

_**From marysuehater: **Oh, no. Jade? Is a complete and total Mary Sue. She's... horribly, horribly perfect. And BJ is extremely OOC. So is Father. And Sidney, to be honest, even though he's not even in this chapter. Wow, that must take talent, being able to rape a character just by mentioning his name. _

_**From OMGlolzWTF:** Dont listen 2 marysuehater, shes rong. dis fic is awesome n i luv jade shes kewl! keep it up, man!1one!_

_**From msficsrule: **Mary Sues aren't even bad, so whatev. Don't pay any attention to marysuehater. She has problems. This fic rocks._


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Last chapter. Hopefully this has amused someone. _

Fallin' In Love  
By: Jade

**Chapter Three: The End**

After a few months of angst and internal debate, Jade decided to tell Sidney that she was pregnant. (Because of course there was no way she'd lose her perfect figure.)

"That's wonderful, honey!" he exclaimed, kissing her. That's when she started sobbing, and threw herself into his arms.

"No! I don't know if it's your baby or not. I couldn't help myself... Hawkeye and BJ were right there and you were gone! I'm so sorry! Do you forgive me?"

Sidney hugged her close, whispering words of comfort to her. Of course he forgave her. "You know I could never blame you, dear! You obviously did absolutely nothing wrong!" Clearly it was not her fault. Hawkeye and BJ on the other hand... they would pay.

As if she knew what he was thinking, which, since she was so perfect, she probably did, she said, "Don't blame Hawkeye or BJ, please! I don't want anyone getting hurt over me!" This declaration made Sidney gasp in awe and nod - she really was so selfless.

During the course of her pregnancy, Jade had many complications even though she was young and in perfect health, a normal pregnancy would be boring and no one likes boring things. It was all Sidney could do to keep from hurting BJ, Hawkeye, or even himself, because one of them had put his poor Jade-darling through this hell.

Even with all of her problems, Jade continued to stay happy, positive, and was always ready to help others. Everyone wondered how she managed to do this and just wished that they could be more like Jade. She was an inspiration, after all.

Soon, Jade was ready to have her baby. That night turned out to be very bittersweet for everyone at the 4077th because with all of her complications, Jade died tragically after delivering a beautiful little baby girl.

Everyone was depressed for months following this turn of events. No one would speak above a whisper if they spoke at all. No one joked or laughed or did anything normally. Everyday was spent in mourning of the wonderful, giving, caring, beautiful, intelligent, witty surgeon that had passed away. It was a somber period of time. All they could do was count their blessings that they had known her for as long as they had.

But, as fate would have it, Jade's child, who was named Cecilia Amber Jade Rose Quartz Crystal, Rose for short, had already started showing signs of her mother's perfection. She had sparkling sapphire eyes, glowing skin, a perfect little nose, a wonderful smile, and her body was not only in perfect proportion, but it was the exact size and shape that any perfect little three month old would be, of course. No one was too surprised because Jade had been so wonderful, it would hold that she would have wonderful offspring, obviously.

As they all took care of her, because no child such as that should be left alone or not nurtured no matter who her father was, they wondered what wonderful things she would grow up to achieve and whose life she would improve for the better.

Because, of course, there was no doubt she would be as perfect as her mother.

Perfection is genetic, after all.

**End of Story**

A/N: wellll...dats it! I hop3 u liEkd it!one!1 im thinkin of ritin a s3qu3l wit rose... shud i?

Reviews for Chapter Three:

_**From bballangel90:** OMG!1one! dat waz so0o0o0o0o0o0o0 cut3!one! i luv3d it!1one!u shud so0o0o0o0o rit3 a sequ3l!11!one!_

_**From OMGSIDNEY1:** AHHH THAT WAS SOOOO GREAT! WRITE A SEQUEL U RULLEE!_

_**From someonewhocanwrite:** Ew. You never say who the father is - plot hole! Jade's too perfect and her daughter is already Mary Sue spawn. Also, Sidney is out of character._

_**From LOLZAWESOM1:** U ROX! di5 iz kick$$! don't listne 2 someonewhocanwrite, u cn hav dat b in da sequl! have rose tryin 2 figrue out who her dad iz!_

_**From dabestprsoneva:** HAHA, dis is grt. iluved it! rite asequel n dont let da flamers liek someonewhocanwrite get ya down!_


End file.
